I've decided to try and become an investigative reporter, so I’m going to practice my interviewing skills on common household items. I’ll have to answer the questions for them, since common household items don’t have the capacity for speech (as far as I know.) This is just practice for when I start talking to actual human interviewees.
Car: I’m here with a box of generic crayons. He’s brand new and holds four multiple colored crayons. So, Mr. Crayon box, how does it feel being a generic brand? Is it hard on your self esteem?
Crayon Box: First of all, I’m a female box of crayons. And to answer your question, it’s extremely hard on my self esteem to not have a well know name printed on my head. It’s also hard just being a small box of crayons. Those fancy 64 crayon boxes are always pushing me around. Hell, even the 24s, the16s and the 8s give me a hard time.
Car: I’m sorry to hear that. And I apologize for mistaking your gender. Is there a way to tell if a crayon box is male or female?
Crayon Box: Don’t worry about it. Only crayons boxes can tell the difference. It has to do with the way our boxes smell. And yes, crayon boxes do have noses. They’re part of our print. Only other crayon boxes can see them.
Car: Interesting. So tell me, what exactly are your relationship to your crayons? Are they your children?
Crayon Box: Of course not! Crayon boxes give birth to other crayon boxes. Crayons are our tenants.
Car: Tenants? Do you get payed rent?
Crayon Box: Rent is a human term. Crayon Boxes are rented out in the factory. We have no say in the matter and receive no pay for our services. We are born to be boxes for crayons. It’s in our blood… well, in our cardboard.
Car: What happens to a crayon box after all the crayons have been used up?
Crayon Box: That’s a sensitive subject for us boxes. After the crayons are gone, we’re just tossed in the trash. Sometimes we’re tossed in the trash before the crayons have even been used! Kids may abuse their crayons, but it’s out of love. We’re torn up, tossed on the ground and stuffed in waste baskets, not out of love, but out of disrespect. We carry all those crayons safely to the hands of children and even adults across the world and all we have to show for it is mangled cardboard and a life rotting in a landfill.
-At this moment the crayon box made a sniffling sound.- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so emotional.
Car: That’s quite okay. I just have one more question and you can go back to your drawer. If you could be anything in the world, what would you be?
Crayon Box: A crayon box. It’s the best job in the world. I just wish we got more respect.
Car: Thank you for your time, Miss Crayon Box. I hope the world learns from what you’ve told us today.
Miss Crayon Box will not be available for any more interviews. Shortly after this was recorded, I gave her to my niece for her birthday. After a series of cardboard related mishaps, Miss Crayon box now resides in a landfill on the outskirts of town and is not in the condition to answer any more questions.